Blush for the Holidays

I love Thanksgiving. What's not to love? It is the kickoff to the holidays and it centers around cooking and food. Whoopie! I usually get a severe case of post-Christmas blues on December 26th.  With Thanksgiving, much to my delight, the end only leads to more holiday happiness! Plus, I can finally listen to Christmas music since long ago I vowed to judge anyone that indulges before Turkey Day.

My mom and I are Turkey Day kitchen rock stars. We have the two day cook-a-thon down to a science. I thrive making our renowned recipes, doing dishes to the '80s Pandora station with my siblings and watching Elf while eating leftovers. I also used to hunt for a special outfit for the meal. While this year I am trying to "behave" financially and not buy anything new, it doesn't hurt to pretend! I am drawn to geometric patterns, nude shimmers, and a lot of blush tones for Thanksgiving 2013.

J.Crew pixie judhpur pant, J.Crew color block intarsia sweater, Tom Ford show me pink nail lacquer, Bobbi Brown lip gloss in buff, Bobbi Brown sequin shimmer brick eye palate, Kate Spade lynda rose gold pump, and Miss Dior eau de parfum

What are you planning on donning this Turkey Day?

Leader of the Band

Do you ever have a moment where you are listening to a song that you've heard a million times before, but never were truly listening, and suddenly you realize how much the lyrics mirror your life?  I was cleaning out my closet (a favorite pastime of a Type A organized control freak) and was floored by a Dan Fogelberg song that I've grown up with.  Maybe my brain made the connection between the lyrics and my life because time is closing in on two years without Jackson.  Whatever the reason, I think Mr. Fogelberg (who also lost his battle with prostate cancer too young) gave a melody and words to the unique connection I had with my Dad.  While we were/are such a close knit family, I was the only one who elected to follow a similar path to the one he chose thirty years before.

An excerpt from Leader of the Band by Dan Fogelberg:

The leader of the band is tired 

And his eyes are growing old 
But his blood runs through my instrument 
And his song is in my soul 

My life has been a poor attempt 

To imitate the man 

I'm just a living legacy 

To the leader of the band 

My brothers' lives were different 

For they heard another call 

One went to Chicago 

And the other to St. Paul 

And I'm in Colorado 

When I'm not in some hotel 

Living out this life I've chose 

And come to know so well 

I thank you for the music 

And your stories of the road 

I thank you for the freedom 

When it came my time to go 

I thank you for the kindness 

And the times when you got tough 

And, papa, I don't think I 

Said 'I love you' near enough 

I am a living legacy to the leader of the band

I am almost certain that Mr. Fogelberg did not intend for me to equate "my instrument" to my brain, "his song" to finance and accounting, and "to imitate the man" to... well... living, laughing and loving just like him to the best of my abilities.  While Scott did move to Chicago, BJ is definitely not in St. Paul.  And I was in a hotel room in Wooster, Ohio this past week, not Colorado.  I am sure Dan Fogelberg would appreciate; however, how much this song speaks to me now.  Thank you, Dan Fogelberg, for singing a song that makes becoming a CPA just like her Daddy sound WAY COOLER than it actually is.  Could you find Jack and sing Part of the Plan together on September 22nd?  I would greatly appreciate it.

Searching

Attempt at finding balance or just recreating a scene
from Dirty Dancing?

Long time, no talk.

When I get busy or stressed (or busy and stressed), my choice method of survival is to cut out all nonessential activities. Thus, the past couple weeks have been focused on work and work trips. Bye bye blogging. However, I was called out. Recently, a friend of mine, out of the blue, mentioned that I hadn't written a new post in over a month. Busted. The more amazing thing is this person, with whom I have a "pen pal-esque" friendship, went on to persuade me to start writing again because it helps "sort things out". How could someone that I have not seen physically in five years know something was  amiss? I must be wearing my life disarray on my sleeve (and in my texts).

The past few months, I have felt like I am searching for something- yet I have absolutely no idea what. My Internet searches provide just a glimpse of my intense hunt for something, anything, to make this sense of unbalance, upheaval and "on the brink of _?___" subside.

Reunions are good for the soul - see below

Acupuncture, crossfit, gluten free, vegan before six, meditation, bikram yoga, spas in Cleveland, bikes, bed and breakfasts, Barre Method, Physique 57, 10K running plans, Ayurveda coaches, hypnotherapy, aromatherapy, voice lessons, community theater musicals, Cleveland museums, jobs in fashion, Cleveland real estate.

See? All over the place. Do I need a diet change, a job change, a new residence, a new workout routine, a wellness plan, a day away, a new hobby, a creative outlet... WHAT DO I WANT?

The answer is there is no answer. I have no idea what I want. However, I am not fretting like I would have at a younger age. At 27, I have started to identify a pattern. Every five years or so, I flip out. It is emotionally, physically, and spiritually apparent. My typically confident, radiant and put together self becomes soft, emotional, indecisive and whiny. I even look different. I know it sounds weird, but just take my word for it. Last time it happened, I was 22 and studying abroad at Oxford. I started worrying about my worrying (never good) because it made no sense to me.  I was in an amazing place, partaking in a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and yet I was out of sorts. This time, having identified the pattern, I'm just letting it ride and allowing my Internet searches to go wild.

Since this blog is supposed to be me, the renaissance woman, imparting her knowledge (knowing a little about a whole lot), I will share a list of things I have found to help in times like this:

Don't wait five years to play again like we did.

- Old friends: reconnect with people who remind you of who you normally are. They will start to bring her back out. Lucky for me, I recently had a reunion of college friends in Chicago for Cards/Cubs weekend. It was perfect timing and was perfect for my soul. I'm still smiling.

- Do what you did when you were seven: I used to lock myself in my bedroom for hours when I was little and sing and dance around and put on concerts for my pets. So recently, Stella has been getting set lists heavily weighted in divas (Mariah, Celine, Vanessa Williams, Brit Brit, KP). It makes me happy to sing at the top of my lungs.

- Get out of your own head: My brother and Toresil just bought a house. While in Chicago, I helped them pack and move for a day (for everyone who knows the family joke of me somehow always moving Scott, commence laughter now). They thought I was being such a help to them; however, what they don't know is how nice it was to be super busy and focused on other people. All I could think about was the best way to fit boxes in my car, how to wrap wedding champagne flutes so they wouldn't shatter, and the number of boxes could I carry down three flights of stairs without dying.  I also felt so loved being included in such a landmark event of their new lives together. I get to say I was there the day the first box was carried into that house, which I'm sure Toresil has already made into a home. 

Freaking adorable.

I have a few new favorite things I need to share as well as a few things on my radar that I really freaking want, so stay tuned

Do you ever feel off center for no apparent reason at all?

Sorry for Homewrecking?

Cleveland Sunrises Lead to Self Reflection?

I have a reputation among my friends. If I am out socializing and there is a guy (typically All-American, quick witted and self deprecating) I happen to be intrigued by - he will, without question, have a girlfriend. I will find out eventually (when I find out is typically based on the character of the guy) and curse the sky as I exclaim, "all the good ones are taken!".

I have spent a lot of time attempting to uncover the root cause of why I am attracted to attached men and why (more often than is normal) attached guys are drawn to me. Theories I kicked around in my analytical brain:

- I have a low self esteem/assessment of my self worth and I put out a vibe into the world that being second fiddle is all that I deserve.

- I'm a competitive Type-A personality who loves a challenge.

- I love being on my own and so, sub-consciously, I'm only allowing myself to be pulled to guys who won't result in someone upsetting the order in my life.

- Did I mention I'm competitive?

The Men of My Life (BJ Looks THRILLED... Scott Looks HUNGRY)

The more I thought about these options, the more none of them seemed to make sense. Yes, I am competitive; however, I'm a huge proponent of the "true love" thing and enjoy when couples find each other. Plus, when I find out guys who flirt back have girlfriends I get pissed and feel like I broke the "girl code". 

The whole self worth issue? I just don't see it. Sure, I am a nurturer by nature, which sometimes can result in getting taken advantage of. But that doesn't mean I think I deserve being used. The first three men in my life were/are fantastic. My Dad and brothers most likely instilled in me a sense that I am more awesome than I actually am. They think I'm fun and smart and they are the bestest, so based upon the theories of thermal dynamics, physics and GAAP based accounting, I am all of those things! (I took some liberties in assuming my brothers currently think I'm fun and smart. For the sake of this blog post, it is probably best not to check with them regarding their true thoughts).

Awesome Guys @ Polka Dance With Matching
Fedoras.  See?  Not Trying to Impress is
AWESOME!

So then what could it be? What is causing me to be attracted to unavailable dudes? I had an epiphany the other day- I'm not drawn to guys because they have girlfriends... I'm drawn to how guys carry themselves when they have girlfriends. At my age, I have found the dating game to be obnoxious. Men at bars try to find a balance of Mr. Moneybags, Joe Cool, Too Cool For School, and Sir Pompous. I like guys who aren't afraid to take sass as much as they dish out. I would rather have fun dancing like an idiot and laughing too loud than appearing "cool". And I don't care if you think you dress well... Everyone has their own style so can I just be the judge of that myself instead of you telling me?

Guys with girlfriends typically aren't out to impress- they are out to have fun. No large production is run to get attention or promulgate a false image. Therefore, you see the real person, they are relaxed, and a girl's "douche radar" stays quiet all evening. 

I'm better about spotting attached dudes since I know my track record. However, to fix the problem, can all the single guys just turn off the smooth talking sleaze switch to hang out and have fun? I guarantee you my friends and I will be drawn to you and will fall off our chairs when we learn you're single.

Did you ever notice any patterns in your dating life?